Okay, I freely admit that this doesn't work as well on the written page. So, to make it work, you're just going to have to force the voices in your head to sound like Don LaFontaine (you know – that "in a world" guy.)In a world where fraud and malfeasance run rampant...
In a world where executives wander blindly from crisis to crisis...
"One for the company, one for me, one for the company, two for me"
In a world where no one can count on the effectiveness of processes, reports, or compliance...
"Didn't I just sign a SOX document saying everything was okeydokey? Well then, dammit, everything is, indeed, okey-fricking-dokey."
Against all odds, against all expectations, and against the wall, one department must make the difference.
"COSO? We don't need no steenking COSO!"
"Look, you and I know what must be done. Everyone in the department knows what must be done. But no one respects us; no one thinks we know what we are doing...heck most people don't even know who we are."
And it is up to one man to turn hope into reality, outsiders into business partners, and cops into consultants. That man is....the CAE.
He came into a department that had no mission.
"Sheesh, not another meeting. What do you think this one's about?"
"Who knows? Same old, same old. We haven't hit our utilization. We need more findings. Reports aren't long enough. You know – if we don't hit the numbers no one can declare victory."
"Attention, please. Ladies. Gentlemen. Things are about to be different...There's a new CAE in town."
He came to turn things around
"What would you say...you do here?"
He came to take a ragtag band of well-meaning misfits and turn them into a crack group of respected internal auditors.
"I don't want to hear you're just bayoneting the wounded; I want to hear you're making a real difference!"
"But sir, there are ripe findings out there just waiting to be plucked. Think of how much people would fear us."
"I don't want fear, Griswold; I want respect – the respect that comes from a report that adds value, not one that adds casualties"
But it won't be easy, the executives don't understand, the customers don't understand, and, sometimes, the auditors don't understand.
"Where have you been auditor?"
"Training, sir! Training, sir!!"
"What kind of training son?"
"IIA training, sir! IIA training, sir!!
His job, his role, his mission... add value and make the business world a better place in which to live.
"Let's go through this one more time. I'm just trying to understand how your operation works. Let's start here. Who's the supervisor?"
"Why would you say Who is the supervisor?"
"What am I writing down is the supervisor?"
"No, What is the manager."
"You don't want who as the manager?"
"Who is the analyst."
"I don't know."
"Internal Auditor – The Movie" Providing assurance...this fall in a theatre near you.
"Who are those guys?"