Auditor #2: You're lucky. Mine's still alive
An auditor did an audit of the corner shop. He reported, "It has four."
A bird walked into a department to complete an audit. The auditee was a bit taken aback but, because the bird showed the proper credentials, he allowed the bird to complete the audit. A month later, the bird returned with the final report. It contained findings that included inadequate controls, missing controls, and even evidence of malfeasance. The auditee read the report with increasing horror. Not wanting to discuss the results, he tried to find something else to talk about. Finally he said, "You know, we don't get many bird auditors here." "That's not surprising," the bird replied. "Not with these kind of results."
I'm on the audit report diet.
Have you lost anything?
About three days
I wanted to do something nice for my manager, so I bought him a new chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
An auditee walked into the audit department and said to the auditor, "Do you really have to report these findings?" The auditor explained that they had been discussed with everyone, that everyone agreed there was a problem, and that the findings would have to stay in the report. The auditee thanked him and walked out. Ten minutes later, the auditee walked back in and said, "Do you really have to report these findings?" The auditor was not particularly happy with the auditee coming right back in and asking, so he was just a little shorter with his answers and then, with gritted teeth said, "Yes, I have to report these findings." The auditee left. Ten minutes later, the auditee came in one more time and asked "Do you really have to report these findings?" The auditor was livid. With fire dancing behind his eyes and his voice choking back the rage said, "There is a problem, everyone agrees, and it would be a violation of my ethics to not report them. Yes, I have to report them. And if you come in here again and ask, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor." The auditee, slightly horrified, gulped and backed out of the department. However, ten minutes later, he came in and started, "Do you..." The auditor glared and the auditee stammered, "Do you...you...uh...do you...do you have any nails?" The auditor was taken aback. "No," he answered. "Then," the auditee said, "Do you really have to report these findings?"
How many auditees does it take to complete a corrective action regarding the changing of light bulbs?
(I don't have an answer; I just like the question.)
An auditee and auditor were starting the audit process and the auditee expressed his concern that the auditee didn't know as much about the department as the auditor. He said, "I'm willing to bet I know more about this department, this organization, and this industry than you do. In fact, here's my bet. Every time I ask you a question you can't answer you have to pay me five dollars. But any time you ask me a question I can't answer, I'll give you one hundred dollars." The auditor agreed. The auditee asked "Who are the three people in charge of each of my sections?" The auditor handed over five bucks. "What is the average revenue for the leaders in our industry?" The auditor handed over another five dollars. "What percentage of the company's income is our department responsible for?" The auditor handed over another five dollars. Finally, the auditor asked a question. "Do you have any idea who it was that asked us to do this audit?" The auditee looked panicked. "No, I don't" he answered sheepishly. The auditor held out his hand and the auditee handed over a hundred dollar bill. The auditor said nothing. The auditee finally asked, "Who asked for the audit?" The auditor silently handed over a five dollar bill.
A Chief Audit Executive, a Chief Risk Officer, and a Chief Compliance Officer walk into a bar. The Barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"